I'm about to have a baby, so I get thoughtful.

If you have followed this blog for long enough, you know there is a great divide in me as I have struggled with being a mom and being um, other stuff.  You may recall my sadness when I moved to MN and didn't go back to school.  You may also recall when I wrote - not-so-eloquently - about my fear of having children.  Not the giving birth part (though there's plenty to be fearful of there), but the actual mothering, nurturing part.  I am proud to say that I've survived, and survived enough to be gearing up for round 2.

For a lot of years, I didn't really want to have any kids.  Well - "didn't want" is a little strong, perhaps "uninterested" is more accurate.  I didn't put very much thought into preparing myself for motherhood; rather, I was wrapped up in future plans for big cities, big post-graduate degrees, a big career, and a big life.  Ha!  If you would have told my 20 year old self that my almost-29 year old self would be a stay-at-home mom, living in Rochester, MN, and contemplating buying a minivan, I would have not only laughed and rolled my eyes, but would have been really, really terrified.  The "big" part of all of those plans has not really come to pass.  I don't have a post-graduate degree, I had a very humble career, and I spent my money in those big cities saving money and then putting Matt through grad school.  Twenty year old me would have been very terrified, indeed.

At the time of our marriage, I don't think Matt really knew about my aversion to kids.  He found out soon enough! - and his patience with me showed me what a good partner he would be in raising little people.  I won't detail it here, but there was a long emotional and spiritual process that brought me around to commit to having a few children and to commit me to stay at home for awhile to raise them.

As I sit here having a Braxton Hicks contraction strong enough that it's making it hard for me to breathe comfortably, I feel so grateful for finally making that commitment.  Being a mom to my little Tate Tot has made me better, just as any large decision we ever make should.  I am closer to God, I am more patient, I put another person's welfare before my own, I speak more kindly, and I love much more openly.  That's not to say this kid has perfected me, but motherhood has only done good things for me.

Don't worry!  I'm not giving up on the bigness, either.  I still have lots of plans, but becoming the education director at the Smithsonian Institution probably won't happen.  I got over that a long time ago.  I'm just going to be a mom for awhile and I'm more and more okay with that all the time.

 **This whole post was inspired by looking at Tate's brand new baby pictures, so I thought I'd throw a few up for old time's sake.