Today I was a good teacher. It's been a long while since I have felt like: Today my students learned. They were engaged. They enjoyed class, I enjoyed them. I taught about the War of 1812 and what events led up to it. They had to analyze the American issues with the British and the Native Americans and figure out solutions if they were in Pres. Jefferson's/Pres. Madison's shoes. And they were really doing it! They came up with some great - if not always viable - solutions, and we had a great discussion about how their ideas would or would not benefit the Americans. It wasn't some earth-shattering lesson, but today I remembered why I became a teacher and why I loved it.
In college, Amber and I used to lay in our beds and trade teaching ideas we would someday use in our someday classrooms. I felt so much excitement and passion and as though I could really change the world for and with my someday history students. As I have prepared for motherhood, and then became a mother, I felt some of that passion and love for my job slipping. My very high standards for myself were becoming just high -- and then maybe just medium. This past month, especially, I have felt like I am coasting (as in leaning on work I have done in previous years) and that was something I swore to never, ever do. I promised myself that the moment I started to coast would be the moment that my teaching career was over. Do you know what it's like to do sub-par and realize it? It's heartbreaking. I have felt inadequate as a teacher more than a few times in the past month as I know that I cannot devote what I used to to my students.
For the past five years, I can honestly say that I have given my everything to teaching. Certainly, my everything isn't perfect, but it has been good and I feel proud of what I have done. I have had lots, maybe even hundreds, of special moments when the kids, me, and the topic clicked...like it did today. I need to get myself back to that place - and then maintain that place - of feeling proud every day of what I did to teach my students.
I knew that working and mom-ing would be difficult as I tried to negotiate my place as a teacher and my place as a mother. I want so badly to be with little Tate, but since I'm not, I want so badly to be the teacher these kids deserve and to be the teacher I know I am.
But sometimes I can hardly muster the energy. Sigh.
And in that vein, I'm going to sleep.
For the past five years, I can honestly say that I have given my everything to teaching. Certainly, my everything isn't perfect, but it has been good and I feel proud of what I have done. I have had lots, maybe even hundreds, of special moments when the kids, me, and the topic clicked...like it did today. I need to get myself back to that place - and then maintain that place - of feeling proud every day of what I did to teach my students.
I knew that working and mom-ing would be difficult as I tried to negotiate my place as a teacher and my place as a mother. I want so badly to be with little Tate, but since I'm not, I want so badly to be the teacher these kids deserve and to be the teacher I know I am.
But sometimes I can hardly muster the energy. Sigh.
And in that vein, I'm going to sleep.
6 comments:
ah...just reading this makes me want to teach!! I'm glad you had a great experience today. Aliss...you're amazing. I don't know how you're doing the new mommy and teaching thing at the same time! I can only imagine that it must be crazy busy! Keep going! You can do it!
I've been feeling that same way about my teaching lately...I've had a few of those really great moments but I would love for them to be more frequent - alright, I'll go prepare next week's lessons.
YES. you are an amazing teacher -- you have reached sooo many hard to reach students and have an amazing way of getting them to LOVE history like you do. i wish you could be my teacher.
and i REALLY miss those late night brainstorming sessions.
One of the things that experience gives you is a reservoir of things to use as your life becomes more complex, as it will continue to do. Everything you do is fair game to do again--it doesn't have to be new to be good. It just has to be good. Draw on your well of good from the past; you created it, you own it, and your students deserve to have your experience as well as your innovations. Love you!!!!
You are a good teacher . . . and a good mom!! You are doing it all, girl, and you can make it happen. If anyone can balance it all- you can! :)
And your deserve the sleep!
It is all part of adapting to your new life. Change is difficult and change takes time, but eventually, the change becomes the norm and things get easier. Like you saw today, I predict that you will have more and more of these times now. You are a great teacher and a great Mom. Don't be too hard on yourself.
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